Everyone of my friends fights to prove that they have the worst life, they always complain and sometimes make up things so THEY can have the most pity and THEY have the worst life. And because of this, i have to be extra extra nice and happy and optimistic around them to make them feel better, which drains me of all of those actual feelings. also, by doing this, I'm EXPECTED to ALWAYS be happy, and if I'm not, people complain that I'm being moody, but nobody really takes pity on me. even when I'm sick, and my friends get sick too, they make it their ultimate goal to 'beat' me in making their stories worse. "I'm so mad, i have two concerts this week and now i have a sore throat." if i say this, my friends think of it as a challenge. "oh yeah, well I'M so sick, i stayed up all night coughing, and then my [insert guardian here] yelled at me for no reason this morning, and my brother cut me with a knife. I also passed out in the shower last night and was declared dead for a whole minute!" okay, so that's and exaggeration, but they go to great lengths to prove that my life is nothing. I'm NEVER allowed to complain, I'm not allowed to EVER have a bad life, because they're so wrapped up in their own life and how "horrible" it is, that they have to keep somebody optimistic around, which is totally understandable, don't get me wrong. But they way they're going about keeping me happy is all wrong. it's like they're threatening me, "you'd better be happy, just remember how bad, MY life is. you'll always have a better life than me, You lucky bitch" but THEY DON'T WANT THEIR LIFE TO BE ANY BETTER. THEY JUST WANT TO COMPLAIN. i mean...they DO want their life to be better...but not enough to do anything real about it. they don't actually try to be happy. They just sit there and complain and wallow in their own self pity and expect me to be optimistic, so i can soak up their sadness for them, I mean, I'm happy, i can TOTALLY stand five tons of sadness, right? but that's not true, I'm not really that happy. I'm forced to pretend to be happy, because smiles are SUPPOSED to spread. happiness is SUPPOSED to be contagious. i keep on hanging to that hope, because I'm not strong enough to show my real feelings. I care about my friends too much and want them to be happy, and i go with what THEY want me to feel, because i hope that that will make them feel better. it;s a horrible vicious cycle that i CANNOT break, no matter what. i definitely don't want to lose any of my friends, whether just not being friends anymore, or hurting them just enough to accidentally push them over the edge. i would feel so bad if that happened...i love my friends so much...so...i must live with my vicious cycle in hidden pain. If only to save them of theirs.